That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
