You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
