the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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