this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
