I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
