i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
