and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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