He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
