New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
