Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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