last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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