He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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