It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
