I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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