If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
