Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I AM VODKA MAN
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
