It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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