My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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