sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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