i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
