I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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