I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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