omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
