then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
