that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
