We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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