The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
