Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
