I accidentally had phone sex last night
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
