Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
