your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
