its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
