a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
