Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
