My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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