As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
