Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
