LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
