I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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