There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
