yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize