Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
