Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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