Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
