I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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