when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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