literally had 100 drinks last night.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
