So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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