I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
