Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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