Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
