When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
