I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
