Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
