woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
